Posts Tagged ‘lost’

when was my last post? Let’s see…it’s coming to almost a year since I last posted.

I was actually contemplating whether to even log in and type something, because it’s definitely gonna be nothing short of a super lengthy post, considering the length of hiatus from this blog, and I still have to catch up on my online lectures for engineering mathematics (and also the quizzes to complete!!!)

but i guess if I am here, I’ve made that decision to type, and it has to be that important to reflect on how it has been for the past 11+ months.

So I started working full-time in mid Oct 2012 and at the same time, started learning German. And then work started to get monotonous and repetitive. Same stuff, same tasks with the occasional challenges that makes the brain tick. But as soon as the brain gets by the learning stage and logs them under the automation stage, it becomes peanuts. And then the brain just switches off on weekdays. Sounds like a real easy time for me, isn’t it?

On the contrary, i would say it’s kinda depriving for me. I don’t feel motivated. So much so that I demanded more from myself in learning German. So much so that I took 3 lessons per week for a term, an evening during weekdays and 2 back-to-back lessons with a lunch break on Saturday.  On one hand, I was definitely in need of reaching the advance level asap, on the other hand, it is really kinda crazy to do so, while you’re still working full-time. Well, not that I minded anyone terming me as crazy. But I still managed it, in the end. Fulfilling but exhausting. So I continued with 2 courses per week, until mid-October.

Then July came, applications to dual study programs in Germany opened. Applied 3. but already 2 rejected outcomes. As if the application process wasn’t already tough enough, because I had to juggle between German homework, 8-hours of work life, and translating my applications from English to German and ensuring they sound grammatically correct in German with the help of my sister’s fiancé, I had to have a phone interview, fully in German for almost an hour. God helped me, I don’t know how I survived it. All I knew was that I was drained the next 2 days.

And then November came, 2 months of no-pay leave, in order for me to further continue my German course in Germany. And that’s where I am typing from now. It’s exciting to know that your classmates come from all over the world, though mostly from Europe. But it’s also kinda intimidating when you’re put into such an environment for the first time, especially when it’s much different from studying in a university where you’ll probably meet common people. I don’t know what I am exactly trying to describe here actually. I am saying, it’s neither bad nor really great. It’s just kinda like being thrown onto a deserted island, just not so stone-aged.

….there’s so much bleakness lying around here recently. I want to pursue mech engrg yet I don’t have a confirmed place to study. Not yet. I need an advance level certification on my German proficiency but I’m still struggling to become fluent. (but this takes times, seriously. I know that.) And then comes the troubling issue…

Throughout this time, throughout this 11+ months, I feel like I’m simply pursuing challenge after challenge, demanding more and more out of each time, testing my limits, and being conscious that I am able to succeed from one to another. Somehow it sounds like I’m filling my own ego here. And right now, my biggest toughest challenge stands in front of me, to get uni placing. But the point is, so what if I get the placing, so what if I can complete the challenge successfully? Yes, I do get a place to study what I want to pursue. But am I really feeling the true happiness in successfully completing the challenge? Perhaps, just perhaps, not.

It almost feels like I’m hopping around from one dot to another aimlessly and haphazardly. I don’t feel the rootedness and the connection to my soul. I feel different when I go for training sessions for NP and when I’m suited up to pull the trigger. I feel different when I’m behind the wheel, envisioning the development of my driving techniques. That difference in feeling while pursuing a passion and knowing this is what you want to do. Am I simply missing what I have put aside for too long? Or am I oppressing my own passions?

Or maybe I’m just too impatient?

I need to get back into action with these passions, which simply defines me, engages me, and excites me. I am gonna have to find a way to integrate seeking sports excellence and adrenaline with how I can contribute and impact the society in a better way. Looks like this is yet another challenge, that awaits me.

..that is, if I’m able to get out of this maze.